people, however, is just one of many voices, and it pales in significance compared to the lack of love from their black parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, and others.

Why then do so many black people blame white people for their problems? Actually, it's quite understandable. Imagine for a moment that you're a black man who was raised in a black community. You were nursed, diapered, fed, and otherwise cared for by black people. When you have serious problems, then, it's not likely that you would turn on these people who have cared for you and blame them for your problems, thereby biting the hands that fed you-even if they failed to give you sufficient Real Love. You would be especially unlikely to do that if you didn't even know what Real Love was, as most of us do not. You would be more likely to blame some other available group, especially if that group had a history of prejudice toward black people. White people fit that description nicely. Unfortunately, blaming white people leaves the real problem undiagnosed and untreatable.

The Hidden Danger of Claiming that Whites Cause the Problems of Blacks

Although there is a certain attraction to blaming another person-or race of people—for our difficulties, once we begin to do that we are taking steps down a very slippery slope. The moment I blame you for how I feel—or for my social status or for anything else—without realizing it what I am actually announcing is that you own me, because blaming you for how I feel is just another way of saying that you're controlling me. And if I believe this, it becomes true. If I believe that you are responsible for how I feel, I have given you the power to make me feel however you want whenever you want. That's a dangerous position for me to take. This is not a racial issue, but one of victimhood.

Do some white people treat black people in an undignified and disrespectful way? Yes, they do, but again, it's not about race. To help us understand the interaction between blacks and whites, we must separate ourselves from our own prejudices, so let's examine a metaphor that doesn't involve black people and white people. As we imagine people of other colors-not your own or those of anyone else you know-pay close attention to your emotional distance and see what you learn.

Imagine that you belong to a community of people who are green. And all of you Greens suffer from a deficiency of Real Love, so that you are empty and afraid all the time. This shouldn't be difficult to imagine, since it describes the general human condition. You feel victimized and are always in search of someone to blame for the pain in your lives. You Greens have a

For as long as men and women have been on earth, they have demonstrated prejudices toward those of different cultures, religions, beliefs, and races. These prejudices have caused untold personal pain and even erupted in acts of violence and death. It is my hope that any light we can shed on the cause of these feelings may help us to reduce or even eliminate them. Rather than talk about racial prejudice in general, I will discuss the racial conflict that exists between African-Americans and Caucasians in the United States, because the tensions between other races have many similarities to this one.

First, a matter of terminology. Researchers from two major universities recently found Americans of African descent to be equally divided in their preference for the label "black" versus "African-American," (Public Opinion Quarterly 2005 69:429-438) so I will use both terms.

Racial Conflict Is Not Really About Race

On a number of occasions I have been a guest on radio talk shows in Harlem, where the vast majority of listeners are black. On one such occasion I was asked by the host, "What role do you see Real Love playing in racism?"

"In the first place," I said, "there's no such thing as racism."

"What?!" he said. "How can you say that?"

"When white people treat black people badly," I answered, "and when black people treat white people badly, we tend to believe that it's about race. But that's just not true."

"So if it's not about race, what is it about?"

"It's about the one thing that unites all of us, no matter what our race is."

"And what is that?"

"What we all want most is to be genuinely happy, and the one element most essential to our happiness is to feel loved. But not just any kind of love will do. Most of us have spent our entire lives earning the approval of other people by doing what they want. People have "loved" us when we've been "good": cooperative, smart, quiet, clean, hard-working, beautiful, sexually attractive, and so on. But such conditional love can never fill our emptiness and produce genuine happiness. Only Real Love can do that. It's Real Love when I care about your happiness without wanting anything from you in return. It's not Real Love when I do what you want and you like me-frankly, that's worthless. It's Real Love when I makes mistakes and when I'm flawed and inconvenient, but you don't feel disappointed or irritated at me. Real Love is unconditional."

"When we have sufficient Real Love," I continued, "we are uniformly happy. When we don't have enough Real Love, we feel empty, afraid, alone, and miserable, and then we reach out for whatever form of Imitation Love will temporarily fill our emptiness and make us feel better. For Imitation Love we use things like praise, gratitude, money, power, sex, and the conditional approval of others. In order to get Imitation Love, and to protect ourselves from the pain of not feeling loved, we use Getting and Protecting Behaviors: We lie, we get angry, we act like victims, we cling to people for affection, and we run or withdraw from relationships. It is these behaviors that cause so much destruction our personal lives and in our relationships."

"I tell you all this," I said, "because we have to understand Real Love before we can understand racism. Real Love is our greatest emotional and spiritual need, so the lack of it is the cause of all unhappiness and conflict. Race is just a distraction. I live in rural Georgia, which is in the middle of the redneck, rebel-flag wavin', shotgun-rack-in-the-back-window-of-the-pickup-truck South, and on many occasions I've heard good ole Southern boys sittin' around talkin' and drinkin' beer. In all these years I've never heard them talk about black people. They never make fun of them. In fact, black people flatter themselves when they believe that white people think about them at all. They don't."

"So what do they talk about?"

"Ugly white women."

He laughed. The black technicians in the sound booth laughed too.

"White people have the same central need that black people do. All of us-blacks and whites- need to feel unconditionally loved more than anything else. By far. When we don't have enough Real Love, we reach out for whatever form of Imitation Love we can find, and one very common form that nearly all of us use is power. When we're in pain, we don't care who we get that feeling of power from either. Anybody will do. We look for characteristics in everybody—flaws, mistakes, defects, just anything different—that will give us some kind of advantage over those people, so we can feel stronger, better, superior."

"So if somebody passes by us," I continued, "who is shorter, or weaker, or poorer, or who limps, or lisps, or smells bad, or dresses poorly, or has an accent, we love that, because now we have one more person who is less than us in some way. These people, simply by virtue of some flaw-or even difference—make us feel better and more powerful by comparison, and we really enjoy that feeling. The more we highlight their flaws and differences, in fact, the more superior and powerful we can feel. We get that feeling of power over people who are different in any way—if they're gay, if they go to a different church, if they attend a different school, if they come from a different country, if they don't wear the latest fashion, if they're poor, whatever—so imagine what an easy target people make for us when their differences are especially obvious: if they're short, for example, or ugly, or fat, or black. If a white person doesn't feel loved, he'll look down on another person for being black as just one of many, many ways to feel less helpless and alone. But it's not about race. It's about a lack of Real Love and a desperate need for Imitation Love, in this case power."

"I just learned more about racism in two minutes than I've learned in twenty years," the host said.

How ‘Racism' Divides Us Needlessly: Problems Within a Race Are Caused by the Parents of That Race

Continuing our discussion from above, I suggested, "The reason we need to see what's really behind ‘racism' is that racism is dividing us needlessly. We've allowed it to become an issue that is distracting us from the only real issue, the issue we have to address before white people and black people will ever live and work and play together in harmony."

When I talk to adults who are white, the source of their problems is uniformly clear. They're unhappy because they're empty and afraid, because they have attempted to fill their empty lives with Imitation Love, and because they're using Getting and Protecting Behaviors. And white people are empty and afraid because they haven't received a sufficient supply of Real Love from the time they were small children. In short, unhappy white people haven't received enough Real Love from the important caregivers in their lives, usually their parents—and sometimes grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, teachers, and others. The lack of Real Love from our primary caregivers is easily the most damaging wound we'll ever receive, and that wound is the greatest cause of the unpleasant and unproductive feelings and behaviors we experience for the rest of our lives. Period.

So that is the explanation of the unhappiness in the lives of white people. I have now had the opportunity to interview thousands of people, and among them significant numbers of

• men.

• women.

• children.

• adolescents.

• middle-aged people.

• elderly people.

• Catholics.

• Protestants.

• Jews.

• Hindus.

• Muslims.

• Sikhs.

• agnostics.

• gay men and women.

• highly educated people.

• people with almost no education.

• wealthy folks.

• middle-class people.

• homeless people.

• tall people.

• short people.

• athletes.

• couch potatoes.

• Japanese.

• Chinese.

• Indonesians.

• Vietnamese.

• Hispanics.

• Brazilians

• Europeans

• Australians

• white people.

• Native Americans.

• African-Americans.

• Africans.

• Central Americans.

• very intelligent people.

• people who appear to be functioning very well.

• people who are simple, retarded, and even mentally ill.

• giants in industry and academia.

• people who are perpetually "between jobs."

As I have spoken intimately with people from all these backgrounds and with all these characteristics, I have been impressed by how united we all are in our needs and fears. It really is all about Real Love. If we have a sufficient supply, we're happy and whole. If not, we're empty and afraid and react with unproductive behaviors. This pattern crosses all spectrums of age, intelligence, culture, geography, education, economic status . . . and race.

As I have explained to people belonging to all the above groups the origin of their feelings and behaviors, they have on the whole understood and accepted the explanation with ease. It's simply true, and they can feel the truth of it. It's true for them, and it's true for blacks.

There is a large portion of black people, however—especially black men—who absolutely believe that the misery in their lives is largely caused not by their primary caregivers but by white people. In turn, these black people also believe that white people are to blame for their anger and other negative behaviors. They feel victimized and subsequently act like victims.

The Evidence Against Whites Causing the Problems Among Blacks

I have interviewed hundreds of black people, and they have the same problems with Getting and Protecting Behaviors and addictions to Imitation Love that everyone else has. These problems are uniformly rooted in a lack of Real Love, which began in early childhood.

In short, black people are angry, frustrated, and so on primarily because they received insufficient Real Love from their primary caregivers when they were children. In addition, they have also been treated badly by white people in many cases, which has been just one more confirmation that they're not loved. This message of I don't love you from white people, however, is just one of many voices, and it pales in significance compared to the lack of love from their black parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, and others.

Why then do so many black people blame white people for their problems? Actually, it's quite understandable. Imagine for a moment that you're a black man who was raised in a black community. You were nursed, diapered, fed, and otherwise cared for by black people. When you have serious problems, then, it's not likely that you would turn on these people who have cared for you and blame them for your problems, thereby biting the hands that fed you-even if they failed to give you sufficient Real Love. You would be especially unlikely to do that if you didn't even know what Real Love was, as most of us do not. You would be more likely to blame some other available group, especially if that group had a history of prejudice toward black people. White people fit that description nicely. Unfortunately, blaming white people leaves the real problem undiagnosed and untreatable.

The Hidden Danger of Claiming that Whites Cause the Problems of Blacks

Although there is a certain attraction to blaming another person-or race of people—for our difficulties, once we begin to do that we are taking steps down a very slippery slope. The moment I blame you for how I feel—or for my social status or for anything else—without realizing it what I am actually announcing is that you own me, because blaming you for how I feel is just another way of saying that you're controlling me. And if I believe this, it becomes true. If I believe that you are responsible for how I feel, I have given you the power to make me feel however you want whenever you want. That's a dangerous position for me to take. This is not a racial issue, but one of victimhood.

Do some white people treat black people in an undignified and disrespectful way? Yes, they do, but again, it's not about race. To help us understand the interaction between blacks and whites, we must separate ourselves from our own prejudices, so let's examine a metaphor that doesn't involve black people and white people. As we imagine people of other colors-not your own or those of anyone else you know-pay close attention to your emotional distance and see what you learn.

Imagine that you belong to a community of people who are green. And all of you Greens suffer from a deficiency of Real Love, so that you are empty and afraid all the time. This shouldn't be difficult to imagine, since it describes the general human condition. You feel victimized and are always in search of someone to blame for the pain in your lives. You Greens have al

ove will temporarily fill our emptiness and make us feel better. For Imitation Love we use things like praise, gratitude, money, power, sex, and the conditional approval of others. In order to get Imitation Love, and to protect ourselves from the pain of not feeling loved, we use Getting and Protecting Behaviors: We lie, we get angry, we act like victims, we cling to people for affection, and we run or withdraw from relationships. It is these behaviors that cause so much destruction our personal lives and in our relationships."

"I tell you all this," I said, "because we have to understand Real Love before we can understand racism. Real Love is our greatest emotional and spiritual need, so the lack of it is the cause of all unhappiness and conflict. Race is just a distraction. I live in rural Georgia, which is in the middle of the redneck, rebel-flag wavin', shotgun-rack-in-the-back-window-of-the-pickup-truck South, and on many occasions I've heard good ole Southern boys sittin' around talkin' and drinkin' beer. In all these years I've never heard them talk about black people. They never make fun of them. In fact, black people flatter themselves when they believe that white people think about them at all. They don't."

"So what do they talk about?"

"Ugly white women."

He laughed. The black technicians in the sound booth laughed too.

"White people have the same central need that black people do. All of us-blacks and whites- need to feel unconditionally loved more than anything else. By far. When we don't have enough Real Love, we reach out for whatever form of Imitation Love we can find, and one very common form that nearly all of us use is power. When we're in pain, we don't care who we get that feeling of power from either. Anybody will do. We look for characteristics in everybody—flaws, mistakes, defects, just anything different—that will give us some kind of advantage over those people, so we can feel stronger, better, superior."

"So if somebody passes by us," I continued, "who is shorter, or weaker, or poorer, or who limps, or lisps, or smells bad, or dresses poorly, or has an accent, we love that, because now we have one more person who is less than us in some way. These people, simply by virtue of some flaw-or even difference—make us feel better and more powerful by comparison, and we really enjoy that feeling. The more we highlight their flaws and differences, in fact, the more superior and powerful we can feel. We get that feeling of power over people who are different in any way—if they're gay, if they go to a different church, if they attend a different school, if they come from a different country, if they don't wear the latest fashion, if they're poor, whatever—so imagine what an easy target people make for us when their differences are especially obvious: if they're short, for example, or ugly, or fat, or black. If a white person doesn't feel loved, he'll look down on another person for being black as just one of many, many ways to feel less helpless and alone. But it's not about race. It's about a lack of Real Love and a desperate need for Imitation Love, in this case power."

"I just learned more about racism in two minutes than I've learned in twenty years," the host said.

How ‘Racism' Divides Us Needlessly: Problems Within a Race Are Caused by the Parents of That Race

Continuing our discussion from above, I suggested, "The reason we need to see what's really behind ‘racism' is that racism is dividing us needlessly. We've allowed it to become an issue that is distracting us from the only real issue, the issue we have to address before white people and black people will ever live and work and play together in harmony."

When I talk to adults who are white, the source of their problems is uniformly clear. They're unhappy because they're empty and afraid, because they have attempted to fill their empty lives with Imitation Love, and because they're using Getting and Protecting Behaviors. And white people are empty and afraid because they haven't received a sufficient supply of Real Love from the time they were small children. In short, unhappy white people haven't received enough Real Love from the important caregivers in their lives, usually their parents—and sometimes grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, teachers, and others. The lack of Real Love from our primary caregivers is easily the most damaging wound we'll ever receive, and that wound is the greatest cause of the unpleasant and unproductive feelings and behaviors we experience for the rest of our lives. Period.

So that is the explanation of the unhappiness in the lives of white people. I have now had the opportunity to interview thousands of people, and among them significant numbers of

• men.

• women.

• children.

• adolescents.

• middle-aged people.

• elderly people.

• Catholics.

• Protestants.

• Jews.

• Hindus.

• Muslims.

• Sikhs.

• agnostics.

• gay men and women.

• highly educated people.

• people with almost no education.

• wealthy folks.

• middle-class people.

• homeless people.

• tall people.

• short people.

• athletes.

• couch potatoes.

• Japanese.

• Chinese.

• Indonesians.

• Vietnamese.

• Hispanics.

• Brazilians

• Europeans

• Australians

• white people.

• Native Americans.

• African-Americans.

• Africans.

• Central Americans.

• very intelligent people.

• people who appear to be functioning very well.

• people who are simple, retarded, and even mentally ill.

• giants in industry and academia.

• people who are perpetually "between jobs."

As I have spoken intimately with people from all these backgrounds and with all these characteristics, I have been impressed by how united we all are in our needs and fears. It really is all about Real Love. If we have a sufficient supply, we're happy and whole. If not, we're empty and afraid and react with unproductive behaviors. This pattern crosses all spectrums of age, intelligence, culture, geography, education, economic status . . . and race.

As I have explained to people belonging to all the above groups the origin of their feelings and behaviors, they have on the whole understood and accepted the explanation with ease. It's simply true, and they can feel the truth of it. It's true for them, and it's true for blacks.

There is a large portion of black people, however—especially black men—who absolutely believe that the misery in their lives is largely caused not by their primary caregivers but by white people. In turn, these black people also believe that white people are to blame for their anger and other negative behaviors. They feel victimized and subsequently act like victims.

The Evidence Against Whites Causing the Problems Among Blacks

I have interviewed hundreds of black people, and they have the same problems with Getting and Protecting Behaviors and addictions to Imitation Love that everyone else has. These problems are uniformly rooted in a lack of Real Love, which began in early childhood.

In short, black people are angry, frustrated, and so on primarily because they received insufficient Real Love from their primary caregivers when they were children. In addition, they have also been treated badly by white people in many cases, which has been just one more confirmation that they're not loved. This message of I don't love you from white people, however, is just one of many voices, and it pales in significance compared to the lack of love from their black parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, and others.

Why then do so many black people blame white people for their problems? Actually, it's quite understandable. Imagine for a moment that you're a black man who was raised in a black community. You were nursed, diapered, fed, and otherwise cared for by black people. When you have serious problems, then, it's not likely that you would turn on these people who have cared for you and blame them for your problems, thereby biting the hands that fed you-even if they failed to give you sufficient Real Love. You would be especially unlikely to do that if you didn't even know what Real Love was, as most of us do not. You would be more likely to blame some other available group, especially if that group had a history of prejudice toward black people. White people fit that description nicely. Unfortunately, blaming white people leaves the real problem undiagnosed and untreatable.

The Hidden Danger of Claiming that Whites Cause the Problems of Blacks

Although there is a certain attraction to blaming another person-or race of people—for our difficulties, once we begin to do that we are taking steps down a very slippery slope. The moment I blame you for how I feel—or for my social status or for anything else—without realizing it what I am actually announcing is that you own me, because blaming you for how I feel is just another way of saying that you're controlling me. And if I believe this, it becomes true. If I believe that you are responsible for how I feel, I have given you the power to make me feel however you want whenever you want. That's a dangerous position for me to take. This is not a racial issue, but one of victimhood.

Do some white people treat black people in an undignified and disrespectful way? Yes, they do, but again, it's not about race. To help us understand the interaction between blacks and whites, we must separate ourselves from our own prejudices, so let's examine a metaphor that doesn't involve black people and white people. As we imagine people of other colors-not your own or those of anyone else you know-pay close attention to your emotional distance and see what you learn.

Imagine that you belong to a community of people who are green. And all of you Greens suffer from a deficiency of Real Love, so that you are empty and afraid all the time. This shouldn't be difficult to imagine, since it describes the general human condition. You feel victimized and are always in search of someone to blame for the pain in your lives. You Greens have a

they don't wear the latest fashion, if they're poor, whatever—so imagine what an easy target people make for us when their differences are especially obvious: if they're short, for example, or ugly, or fat, or black. If a white person doesn't feel loved, he'll look down on another person for being black as just one of many, many ways to feel less helpless and alone. But it's not about race. It's about a lack of Real Love and a desperate need for Imitation Love, in this case power."

"I just learned more about racism in two minutes than I've learned in twenty years," the host said.

How ‘Racism' Divides Us Needlessly: Problems Within a Race Are Caused by the Parents of That Race

Continuing our discussion from above, I suggested, "The reason we need to see what's really behind ‘racism' is that racism is dividing us needlessly. We've allowed it to become an issue that is distracting us from the only real issue, the issue we have to address before white people and black people will ever live and work and play together in harmony."

When I talk to adults who are white, the source of their problems is uniformly clear. They're unhappy because they're empty and afraid, because they have attempted to fill their empty lives with Imitation Love, and because they're using Getting and Protecting Behaviors. And white people are empty and afraid because they haven't received a sufficient supply of Real Love from the time they were small children. In short, unhappy white people haven't received enough Real Love from the important caregivers in their lives, usually their parents—and sometimes grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, teachers, and others. The lack of Real Love from our primary caregivers is easily the most damaging wound we'll ever receive, and that wound is the greatest cause of the unpleasant and unproductive feelings and behaviors we experience for the rest of our lives. Period.

So that is the explanation of the unhappiness in the lives of white people. I have now had the opportunity to interview thousands of people, and among them significant numbers of

• men.

• women.

• children.

• adolescents.

• middle-aged people.

• elderly people.

• Catholics.

• Protestants.

• Jews.

• Hindus.

• Muslims.

• Sikhs.

• agnostics.

• gay men and women.

• highly educated people.

• people with almost no education.

• wealthy folks.

• middle-class people.

• homeless people.

• tall people.

• short people.

• athletes.

• couch potatoes.

• Japanese.

• Chinese.

• Indonesians.

• Vietnamese.

• Hispanics.

• Brazilians

• Europeans

• Australians

• white people.

• Native Americans.

• African-Americans.

• Africans.

• Central Americans.

• very intelligent people.

• people who appear to be functioning very well.

• people who are simple, retarded, and even mentally ill.

• giants in industry and academia.

• people who are perpetually "between jobs."

As I have spoken intimately with people from all these backgrounds and with all these characteristics, I have been impressed by how united we all are in our needs and fears. It really is all about Real Love. If we have a sufficient supply, we're happy and whole. If not, we're empty and afraid and react with unproductive behaviors. This pattern crosses all spectrums of age, intelligence, culture, geography, education, economic status . . . and race.

As I have explained to people belonging to all the above groups the origin of their feelings and behaviors, they have on the whole understood and accepted the explanation with ease. It's simply true, and they can feel the truth of it. It's true for them, and it's true for blacks.

There is a large portion of black people, however—especially black men—who absolutely believe that the misery in their lives is largely caused not by their primary caregivers but by white people. In turn, these black people also believe that white people are to blame for their anger and other negative behaviors. They feel victimized and subsequently act like victims.

The Evidence Against Whites Causing the Problems Among Blacks

I have interviewed hundreds of black people, and they have the same problems with Getting and Protecting Behaviors and addictions to Imitation Love that everyone else has. These problems are uniformly rooted in a lack of Real Love, which began in early childhood.

In short, black people are angry, frustrated, and so on primarily because they received insufficient Real Love from their primary caregivers when they were children. In addition, they have also been treated badly by white people in many cases, which has been just one more confirmation that they're not loved. This message of I don't love you from white people, however, is just one of many voices, and it pales in significance compared to the lack of love from their black parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, and others.

Why then do so many black people blame white people for their problems? Actually, it's quite understandable. Imagine for a moment that you're a black man who was raised in a black community. You were nursed, diapered, fed, and otherwise cared for by black people. When you have serious problems, then, it's not likely that you would turn on these people who have cared for you and blame them for your problems, thereby biting the hands that fed you-even if they failed to give you sufficient Real Love. You would be especially unlikely to do that if you didn't even know what Real Love was, as most of us do not. You would be more likely to blame some other available group, especially if that group had a history of prejudice toward black people. White people fit that description nicely. Unfortunately, blaming white people leaves the real problem undiagnosed and untreatable.

The Hidden Danger of Claiming that Whites Cause the Problems of Blacks

Although there is a certain attraction to blaming another person-or race of people—for our difficulties, once we begin to do that we are taking steps down a very slippery slope. The moment I blame you for how I feel—or for my social status or for anything else—without realizing it what I am actually announcing is that you own me, because blaming you for how I feel is just another way of saying that you're controlling me. And if I believe this, it becomes true. If I believe that you are responsible for how I feel, I have given you the power to make me feel however you want whenever you want. That's a dangerous position for me to take. This is not a racial issue, but one of victimhood.

Do some white people treat black people in an undignified and disrespectful way? Yes, they do, but again, it's not about race. To help us understand the interaction between blacks and whites, we must separate ourselves from our own prejudices, so let's examine a metaphor that doesn't involve black people and white people. As we imagine people of other colors-not your own or those of anyone else you know-pay close attention to your emotional distance and see what you learn.

Imagine that you belong to a community of people who are green. And all of you Greens suffer from a deficiency of Real Love, so that you are empty and afraid all the time. This shouldn't be difficult to imagine, since it describes the general human condition. You feel victimized and are always in search of someone to blame for the pain in your lives. You Greens have a

• homeless people.

• tall people.

• short people.

• athletes.

• couch potatoes.

• Japanese.

• Chinese.

• Indonesians.

• Vietnamese.

• Hispanics.

• Brazilians

• Europeans

• Australians

• white people.

• Native Americans.

• African-Americans.

• Africans.

• Central Americans.

• very intelligent people.

• people who appear to be functioning very well.

• people who are simple, retarded, and even mentally ill.

• giants in industry and academia.

• people who are perpetually "between jobs."

As I have spoken intimately with people from all these backgrounds and with all these characteristics, I have been impressed by how united we all are in our needs and fears. It really is all about Real Love. If we have a sufficient supply, we're happy and whole. If not, we're empty and afraid and react with unproductive behaviors. This pattern crosses all spectrums of age, intelligence, culture, geography, education, economic status . . . and race.

As I have explained to people belonging to all the above groups the origin of their feelings and behaviors, they have on the whole understood and accepted the explanation with ease. It's simply true, and they can feel the truth of it. It's true for them, and it's true for blacks.

There is a large portion of black people, however—especially black men—who absolutely believe that the misery in their lives is largely caused not by their primary caregivers but by white people. In turn, these black people also believe that white people are to blame for their anger and other negative behaviors. They feel victimized and subsequently act like victims.

The Evidence Against Whites Causing the Problems Among Blacks

I have interviewed hundreds of black people, and they have the same problems with Getting and Protecting Behaviors and addictions to Imitation Love that everyone else has. These problems are uniformly rooted in a lack of Real Love, which began in early childhood.

In short, black people are angry, frustrated, and so on primarily because they received insufficient Real Love from their primary caregivers when they were children. In addition, they have also been treated badly by white people in many cases, which has been just one more confirmation that they're not loved. This message of I don't love you from white people, however, is just one of many voices, and it pales in significance compared to the lack of love from their black parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, and others.

Why then do so many black people blame white people for their problems? Actually, it's quite understandable. Imagine for a moment that you're a black man who was raised in a black community. You were nursed, diapered, fed, and otherwise cared for by black people. When you have serious problems, then, it's not likely that you would turn on these people who have cared for you and blame them for your problems, thereby biting the hands that fed you-even if they failed to give you sufficient Real Love. You would be especially unlikely to do that if you didn't even know what Real Love was, as most of us do not. You would be more likely to blame some other available group, especially if that group had a history of prejudice toward black people. White people fit that description nicely. Unfortunately, blaming white people leaves the real problem undiagnosed and untreatable.

The Hidden Danger of Claiming that Whites Cause the Problems of Blacks

Although there is a certain attraction to blaming another person-or race of people—for our difficulties, once we begin to do that we are taking steps down a very slippery slope. The moment I blame you for how I feel—or for my social status or for anything else—without realizing it what I am actually announcing is that you own me, because blaming you for how I feel is just another way of saying that you're controlling me. And if I believe this, it becomes true. If I believe that you are responsible for how I feel, I have given you the power to make me feel however you want whenever you want. That's a dangerous position for me to take. This is not a racial issue, but one of victimhood.

Do some white people treat black people in an undignified and disrespectful way? Yes, they do, but again, it's not about race. To help us understand the interaction between blacks and whites, we must separate ourselves from our own prejudices, so let's examine a metaphor that doesn't involve black people and white people. As we imagine people of other colors-not your own or those of anyone else you know-pay close attention to your emotional distance and see what you learn.

Imagine that you belong to a community of people who are green. And all of you Greens suffer from a deficiency of Real Love, so that you are empty and afraid all the time. This shouldn't be difficult to imagine, since it describes the general human condition. You feel victimized and are always in search of someone to blame for the pain in your lives. You Greens have a

people, however, is just one of many voices, and it pales in significance compared to the lack of love from their black parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, and others.

Why then do so many black people blame white people for their problems? Actually, it's quite understandable. Imagine for a moment that you're a black man who was raised in a black community. You were nursed, diapered, fed, and otherwise cared for by black people. When you have serious problems, then, it's not likely that you would turn on these people who have cared for you and blame them for your problems, thereby biting the hands that fed you-even if they failed to give you sufficient Real Love. You would be especially unlikely to do that if you didn't even know what Real Love was, as most of us do not. You would be more likely to blame some other available group, especially if that group had a history of prejudice toward black people. White people fit that description nicely. Unfortunately, blaming white people leaves the real problem undiagnosed and untreatable.

The Hidden Danger of Claiming that Whites Cause the Problems of Blacks

Although there is a certain attraction to blaming another person-or race of people—for our difficulties, once we begin to do that we are taking steps down a very slippery slope. The moment I blame you for how I feel—or for my social status or for anything else—without realizing it what I am actually announcing is that you own me, because blaming you for how I feel is just another way of saying that you're controlling me. And if I believe this, it becomes true. If I believe that you are responsible for how I feel, I have given you the power to make me feel however you want whenever you want. That's a dangerous position for me to take. This is not a racial issue, but one of victimhood.

Do some white people treat black people in an undignified and disrespectful way? Yes, they do, but again, it's not about race. To help us understand the interaction between blacks and whites, we must separate ourselves from our own prejudices, so let's examine a metaphor that doesn't involve black people and white people. As we imagine people of other colors-not your own or those of anyone else you know-pay close attention to your emotional distance and see what you learn.

Imagine that you belong to a community of people who are green. And all of you Greens suffer from a deficiency of Real Love, so that you are empty and afraid all the time. This shouldn't be difficult to imagine, since it describes the general human condition. You feel victimized and are always in search of someone to blame for the pain in your lives. You Greens have always blamed each other for your pain—vigorously and angrily. It's been a longstanding Green tradition.

But one day people move into your neighborhood who are blue. Not only are they blue, but they talk a little different. Their music is different, as are many of their customs. We all have a natural tendency to fear what we don't understand, to fear what is different, and so it is with you Greens. Although in the past you've always blamed each other for your pain, now when you become empty and afraid, you have a new group of people to blame, and why wouldn't you?

• The Blues are easier to blame. Because they tend to stick to themselves, if you blame the Blues for whatever problem you're having, the social consequences to you are less than if you blame a fellow Green.
• The new group is a fresh and attractive source to blame. To illustrate this concept, suppose you've just taken your first commercial plane flight, and upon landing you discover that you have a headache. Even though you've had many headaches before, it's quite attractive to blame this one on something that's changed, on something that's new. You would tend to do the same with the Blues.
• It seems more logical to blame the Blues. After all, doesn't it make more sense that a Blue-who is different and would therefore tend to value your culture less—would be more likely to devalue you and hurt you?
• You'd be more likely to be able to intimidate the Blues and convince them that they were to blame. Fellow Greens would know you too well and would tend to dismiss your blaming, whereas Blues, who are less familiar with your culture and your ways, would be more susceptible to your deceptions.

It is the same with blacks and whites. For the reasons above, it is simply easier for blacks and whites to blame one another for specific problems than to look to themselves for responsibility and solutions.

To read a powerful story that illustrates how our beliefs lead to reality, click here.

I emphasize that as I talk about the role of victimhood among African-Americans, I am not criticizing anyone, nor accusing anyone of anything, simply describing a problem that absolutely must be addressed. The profound love I feel for my black brothers and sisters is, in fact, demonstrated by my willingness to write these words, despite my knowledge that many people will be unhappy with me because of them. Until we tell the truth about a problem, we haven't the slightest chance of solving it, and I have a strong interest in contributing to a solution here, not simply making accusations of anyone.

Problems Between Races Are Due to Victimhood

Black people suffer from the same emptiness and fear as the rest of mankind, and, as we discussed earlier when we talked about the Greens and the Blues, it's only natural that in their pain many of them would blame their condition on a group other than their own. In this case, they blame the largest, most powerful ethnic group: white people. Black people have chosen to hold on to their stories of injustice, and many of them have been true.

Blaming white people will never work, however, for at least two reasons: First, as blacks blame whites, blacks feel more and more like victims, which can serve only to make them weaker, for reasons we've already discussed. Second, as blacks blame whites, white people feel increasingly attacked. It's understandable that black people fail to comprehend that white people are already up to their necks in their own wounds. We absolutely must remember that not feeling loved is the greatest wound, and white people walk around immersed in these wounds all the time. Then when black people accuse them of racism, that's just one more thing they don't want to deal with. When blacks persist in their accusations of racism, white people feel attacked and victimized themselves by blacks and will then tend to react by defending themselves with the usual Protecting Behaviors. Whites react to persistence attacks of racism by

• lying. They deny that racism exists or that they are racist or that there is any problem at all that needs to be solved.
• attacking. They get angry. They attack blacks with even greater anger, because they feel attacked themselves. Remember, a victim feels justified in doing almost anything.
• running. They avoid blacks and any discussion of blacks completely.

It's ironic that blacks act like victim to get attention for their problems, but in the process they tend to get only more Protecting Behaviors and less cooperation. This isn't a black-white thing. It's how almost all human beings respond to being attacked and how they respond to people who act like victims.

The Solution to the Race Problem

So can we propose a concrete plan for dealing with racial prejudice? Yes, of course we can. I suggest the following:

1. Stop focusing on race. 2. Teach all people-white, black, and otherwise—to love unconditionally. 3. Help all people to teach their children to love. 4. Take concrete steps where necessary to correct injustice.

Let's discuss each of these steps.

1. Stop focusing on race.

We have focused on race for centuries, and with that approach our progress toward eliminating racial prejudice has been, to say the least, unimpressive. The reason for our lack of progress is that we've been focusing on the wrong problem entirely. When we understand that racial prejudice has its roots entirely in a lack of Real Love, we will begin to see positive results.

2. Teach all people—white, black, and otherwise—to love unconditionally.

I have watched black and white people talk about race on many occasions. Never have I seen long held attitudes changed by mere discussion. On the other hand, I have seen powerful changes take place in people's attitudes toward those of another race as they have felt unconditionally loved.

History has thoroughly proven that fighting racial prejudice will not remove it. Real Love, however, will eliminate racial prejudice as effortlessly as the sun evaporates the morning dew, just as it eliminates emptiness and fear and all the Getting and Protecting Behaviors. It's Real Love we need, not a fight against anything.

3. Help all people to teach their children to love.

As we learn how to become loving ourselves, we need to teach our children to be loving. Once we've passed this ability on to the younger generation, it will mark the beginning of the end of emptiness and fear on our planet.

4. Take concrete steps where necessary to correct injustice.

As we're all learning how to become loving, there are certainly steps that need to be taken in specific areas to correct injustices. Regarding racial intolerance, affirmative action is one such example, and there have been many others. These steps need to be taken without anger and without an attitude of victimhood, however.

Racism is not an insoluble problem. I've personally seen it melt away on many occasions under the influence of Real Love. If we're willing to consistently apply the principles of Real Love to this insidious hatred and faithfully await the results, we'll be astonished at the outcome.