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    tricky as tightrope walking, as manly as ballroom dancing.

    So what makes me think I am qualified to sort him out, to get him swooping and whooping down Val d'Isere's endless pistes by the end of the week?

    Largely that I am the world's least talented skier. My daughter

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    I'm going to teach my brother-in-law how to ski this winter. He's coming to Val d'Is?re, where I happen to live, and my mission for the week is to stop him hating skiing.

    Am I a ski instructor? No. But then, he's not my brother-in-law: he's my live-in lover's sister's spouse, my partner-in-law's husband. I'll use the excellent French word, and call him my 'beauf'.

    So why does Beauf need my help? Can't he afford a proper ski instructor? Well, his income tax bill alone was equivalent to the combined salaries of Val d'Isere's twenty top ski instructors last year, so yes, I think he's got the dosh. It's just that he's got a thing about skiing. And why is that? Well, probably in part because his wife is both a good skier and a terrifying female, who doesn't suffer falls gladly. And partly because he was himself a top-rate sportsman, and resents being a total beginner again.

    His sports were ball games, and his hand-to-eye coordination is amazing. He excelled at rugby (his hand to someone else's eye). And he has convinced himself that skiing is a really difficult, technical business, as tricky as tightrope walking, as manly as ballroom dancing.

    So what makes me think I am qualified to sort him out, to get him swooping and whooping down Val d'Isere's endless pistes by the end of the week?

    Largely that I am the world's least talented skier. My daughter w

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    my partner-in-law's husband. I'll use the excellent French word, and call him my 'beauf'.

    So why does Beauf need my help? Can't he afford a proper ski instructor? Well, his income tax bill alone was equivalent to the combined salaries of Val d'Isere's twenty top ski instructors last year, so yes, I think he's got the dosh. It's just that he's got a thing about skiing. And why is that? Well, probably in part because his wife is both a good skier and a terrifying female, who doesn't suffer falls gladly. And partly because he was himself a top-rate sportsman, and resents being a total beginner again.

    His sports were ball games, and his hand-to-eye coordination is amazing. He excelled at rugby (his hand to someone else's eye). And he has convinced himself that skiing is a really difficult, technical business, as tricky as tightrope walking, as manly as ballroom dancing.

    So what makes me think I am qualified to sort him out, to get him swooping and whooping down Val d'Isere's endless pistes by the end of the week?

    Largely that I am the world's least talented skier. My daughter

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    nstructors last year, so yes, I think he's got the dosh. It's just that he's got a thing about skiing. And why is that? Well, probably in part because his wife is both a good skier and a terrifying female, who doesn't suffer falls gladly. And partly because he was himself a top-rate sportsman, and resents being a total beginner again.

    His sports were ball games, and his hand-to-eye coordination is amazing. He excelled at rugby (his hand to someone else's eye). And he has convinced himself that skiing is a really difficult, technical business, as tricky as tightrope walking, as manly as ballroom dancing.

    So what makes me think I am qualified to sort him out, to get him swooping and whooping down Val d'Isere's endless pistes by the end of the week?

    Largely that I am the world's least talented skier. My daughter

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    top-rate sportsman, and resents being a total beginner again.

    His sports were ball games, and his hand-to-eye coordination is amazing. He excelled at rugby (his hand to someone else's eye). And he has convinced himself that skiing is a really difficult, technical business, as tricky as tightrope walking, as manly as ballroom dancing.

    So what makes me think I am qualified to sort him out, to get him swooping and whooping down Val d'Isere's endless pistes by the end of the week?

    Largely that I am the world's least talented skier. My daughter

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    tricky as tightrope walking, as manly as ballroom dancing.

    So what makes me think I am qualified to sort him out, to get him swooping and whooping down Val d'Isere's endless pistes by the end of the week?

    Largely that I am the world's least talented skier. My daughter was pretty tragic: her first turn cost me Euro1000 in lessons. But she is nothing compared with me. I took about seven hundred weeks in ski resorts to become vaguely competent. I have spent more time on the slopes of Val d'Isere than local boy Jean-Claude Killy had when he won three gold medals. I have spent hundreds of hours on chairlifts, watching good skiers, bad skiers and ugly skiers strut their stuff. And all this makes me the perfect person to teach another middle-aged slow learner how to crack skiing in a week.

    Ski instructors mostly learned to ski at about two years old, just after they learned to walk. They are very good at teaching people who find it easy to understand terms like projection and rotation and absorption. But they find it harder to help those of us from the uncoordinated end of the gene pool. To appreciate how difficult it is for them, imagine trying to teach someone who has never walked how to do it, just with words. Describe how to stand up from a chair and walk across the room. If they follow your instructions carefully, I bet they'll never get to their feet.

    It must be po

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