arly undermined her by withholding information, acting as if they didn't understand her demands, appearing to comply with requests, and practicing the tactic of "malicious obedience" (doing or saying what was requested even though they knew it wouldn't work).

I think that influence comes down to asking two essential questions: What do I want to achieve in this situation? How can I get my needs met and respect the other party’s needs at the same time? You can attempt to steamroll people or you can realize that you are not t

I’ve had many opportunities to influence people during the past few months, from prospective clients to suppliers (on the business side) and from neighbors to customer service providers (on the personal side). I can boil down the influence techniques that work well to these five actions:

• Approach people with friendliness and warmth
• Share your point of view frankly but neutrally
• Listen openly to others’ opinions
• Be willing to negotiate
• Express appreciation

Case in point: On a recent phone call with a banking institution's call center, I requested a credit to my account of a interest charges plus late fees incurred when statements were sent to a former address after we had moved. It was a significant dollar amount but I hoped that my request would be honored. When the customer service rep responded, "I can't do that," I simply said with a smile, "That's fine. What can you do?" After several minutes of discussion, the customer service rep gave me the good news, "You've been so pleasant to work with and I've had such a difficult day with other customers, I'm going to do everything I can to take care of you." And she did! When I hung up, she had credited my account for the full amount.

I wish I could say that I use these five influence techniques every time I need to influence someone. The truth is that I’m human and in the stress of the moment, I have sent some influence opportunities into a tail spin. Having had potential deals head south and customer service providers completely blow up or blow me off when I’m in high-stress mode, I can confidently tell you the five NO-INFLUENCE techniques to avoid:

• Come on strong and don’t back down
• Make people feel inferior and defensive
• Raise your voice in frustration
• Cut people off
• Express disbelief and impatience with their suggestions

Case in point: I worked with a manager once who criticized, belittled, put down and generally pushed people around. To say that her employees were guarded around her is an understatement. They regularly undermined her by withholding information, acting as if they didn't understand her demands, appearing to comply with requests, and practicing the tactic of "malicious obedience" (doing or saying what was requested even though they knew it wouldn't work).

I think that influence comes down to asking two essential questions: What do I want to achieve in this situation? How can I get my needs met and respect the other party’s needs at the same time? You can attempt to steamroll people or you can realize that you are not th

oint: On a recent phone call with a banking institution's call center, I requested a credit to my account of a interest charges plus late fees incurred when statements were sent to a former address after we had moved. It was a significant dollar amount but I hoped that my request would be honored. When the customer service rep responded, "I can't do that," I simply said with a smile, "That's fine. What can you do?" After several minutes of discussion, the customer service rep gave me the good news, "You've been so pleasant to work with and I've had such a difficult day with other customers, I'm going to do everything I can to take care of you." And she did! When I hung up, she had credited my account for the full amount.

I wish I could say that I use these five influence techniques every time I need to influence someone. The truth is that I’m human and in the stress of the moment, I have sent some influence opportunities into a tail spin. Having had potential deals head south and customer service providers completely blow up or blow me off when I’m in high-stress mode, I can confidently tell you the five NO-INFLUENCE techniques to avoid:

• Come on strong and don’t back down
• Make people feel inferior and defensive
• Raise your voice in frustration
• Cut people off
• Express disbelief and impatience with their suggestions

Case in point: I worked with a manager once who criticized, belittled, put down and generally pushed people around. To say that her employees were guarded around her is an understatement. They regularly undermined her by withholding information, acting as if they didn't understand her demands, appearing to comply with requests, and practicing the tactic of "malicious obedience" (doing or saying what was requested even though they knew it wouldn't work).

I think that influence comes down to asking two essential questions: What do I want to achieve in this situation? How can I get my needs met and respect the other party’s needs at the same time? You can attempt to steamroll people or you can realize that you are not t

rk with and I've had such a difficult day with other customers, I'm going to do everything I can to take care of you." And she did! When I hung up, she had credited my account for the full amount.

I wish I could say that I use these five influence techniques every time I need to influence someone. The truth is that I’m human and in the stress of the moment, I have sent some influence opportunities into a tail spin. Having had potential deals head south and customer service providers completely blow up or blow me off when I’m in high-stress mode, I can confidently tell you the five NO-INFLUENCE techniques to avoid:

• Come on strong and don’t back down
• Make people feel inferior and defensive
• Raise your voice in frustration
• Cut people off
• Express disbelief and impatience with their suggestions

Case in point: I worked with a manager once who criticized, belittled, put down and generally pushed people around. To say that her employees were guarded around her is an understatement. They regularly undermined her by withholding information, acting as if they didn't understand her demands, appearing to comply with requests, and practicing the tactic of "malicious obedience" (doing or saying what was requested even though they knew it wouldn't work).

I think that influence comes down to asking two essential questions: What do I want to achieve in this situation? How can I get my needs met and respect the other party’s needs at the same time? You can attempt to steamroll people or you can realize that you are not t

m in high-stress mode, I can confidently tell you the five NO-INFLUENCE techniques to avoid:

• Come on strong and don’t back down
• Make people feel inferior and defensive
• Raise your voice in frustration
• Cut people off
• Express disbelief and impatience with their suggestions

Case in point: I worked with a manager once who criticized, belittled, put down and generally pushed people around. To say that her employees were guarded around her is an understatement. They regularly undermined her by withholding information, acting as if they didn't understand her demands, appearing to comply with requests, and practicing the tactic of "malicious obedience" (doing or saying what was requested even though they knew it wouldn't work).

I think that influence comes down to asking two essential questions: What do I want to achieve in this situation? How can I get my needs met and respect the other party’s needs at the same time? You can attempt to steamroll people or you can realize that you are not t

arly undermined her by withholding information, acting as if they didn't understand her demands, appearing to comply with requests, and practicing the tactic of "malicious obedience" (doing or saying what was requested even though they knew it wouldn't work).

I think that influence comes down to asking two essential questions: What do I want to achieve in this situation? How can I get my needs met and respect the other party’s needs at the same time? You can attempt to steamroll people or you can realize that you are not the center of the universe. To make headway on any goal requires cooperation, collaboration and negotiation. In short, the ability to influence begins with a willingness to see the world through someone else's eyes. Practice these five influence techniques every day and you'll begin to experience less stress and more effective interpersonal interactions.